That Feeling of Being Single!

Having been a lawfully wedded wife for nearly 22 and a half years and a mother for more than 18, the spouse and kids seem like extensions of myself! That feeling that you were born with them stuck to you! (Joey has added himself as an additional limb!) I have had those few rare trips sans them but that seems like ages ago and I can’t help but wonder whether it is the same me that asked her shocked mother a few days before her marriage “ Do you think I will stay a lifetime with the same person? What if I get bored?” My mother was shocked at how times had changed; that I had the audacity to ask her that! Wasn’t it bad enough that I was having a “love marriage” to a North Indian boy?! Unheard of!! Blasphemy at its best!! And look at me now! Thoroughly domesticated despite being largely unconventional and I don’t take credit for it. I have had more freedom within the marriage than I ever had before, even the few years that I was on my own, and that is why despite small rebellions every now and then, I stay put.

And yet, I need space. I have always needed loads of space and solitude. I can come across as cold if I get smothered with affection when I am not ready for it mentally. (Paradoxically, I have a great need for cuddles and physical affection or else the low-level warning light comes on but only when my mind is present.) I need to be on receptive mode. Sometimes my kids and husband get alarmed when I squirm out of embraces for no apparent reason, even when the temperatures are pleasant. Again, I do not like being touched when I settle down to sleep. There is a clear demarcation between cuddle time and sleep time. I don’t even like a finger touch then. There are times when I do feel a bit insecure or restless and then I need to touch some portion of my husband or kid or Mom depending on whom I am with, maybe a finger or toe till my heartbeat gets back to normal but even then, sleep comes only after the detachment. I remember when the kids were little and my husband used to go on outstation trips, they’d be thrilled to be sleeping with me, one on either side and after storytelling time, one or the other or both would wrap their hands around me and sleep and I’d be nearly holding my breath waiting for their breathing to deepen before detaching from their embraces and finding a spot where the touch would be minimum. I feel stifled.

With that as the background, can you imagine the feeling of freedom and ecstasy I have been having lately when I borrow my daughter’s room (I have to actually give her a twenty-four-hour notice!) for the night. I quickly finish my bath and moisturizing rituals and after exchanging happy good nights with the rest of the family, I carry my diary, tarot and oracle cards, tarot record book (still learning, you see!), inner child healing notebook, mobile, pen, reading glasses, bottle of water and glass and a BIG SMILE and walk into her little room which has just a single bed, a neat study, a small rug and a perch by the window that I can fit into with my ample derrière. A little dressing table in the corner has been aesthetically done up with star lights and I do turn them on as a rule. She always clears up her study and the bedside table for me so I settle down without delay and the first ten minutes just go by in smiling ear to ear at the heavenly experience I am having and the grand feeling of being single- the Queen of my little Kingdom! I don’t know how many of you can relate to what I am trying to say. I know not many people are on the same page but I absolutely revel in that silence and solitude- the freedom. On some days when it isn’t miserably hot, I put up the blinds and allow the moonlight in. How I am drawn to that silver moon, that has so many secrets hidden within! I love gazing into the sky and if I had done enough of it, I wouldn’t have a double chin to cry over!

Anyway, I listen to music and meditations, pull out cards for something or the other, day dream (I know it’s night but the dreams are in a conscious state) and the best part is, I don’t have to worry about stares from the husband or canine friend (it is uncanny to feel a pair of eyes on you - your usually happy faced dog is sitting and staring at you with displeasure!) for having the screen on in the middle of the night! When you share the room with anyone, no matter how close, it isn’t the same thing- there is a certain degree of compromise! And after so many years, to get a space bigger and different from the usual quiet place for Moms (the toilet), it is complete bliss! I am so happy with this new set up and guess what?! The better half is welcoming the change too, seeing the transformation in his spouse- a broad smile that stays on after the tea made by him is long downed and forgotten!!