The Universal Punching Bag

What would the synonym for a universal punching bag be? Simple answer to that is Mom! Yes, this blog I dedicate to my mother, in her Birthday month and God knows that over the years, she has been a strong, resilient, patient, never complaining (I am exaggerating here) punching bag to not one or two but three members of the family, her husband, son and daughter. Now your question would be, “You said ‘Mom’ was punching bag so how could she be your Dad’s punching bag too after all she is his wife not mother?” Ah! That mystery we shall save for later.

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Do you know what God put into a mother after he put in her heart and womb? He put in shock absorbers! He knew that they would come in handy as soon as she became a mother and were going to be needed, if she was lucky, till her children became responsible adults and her husband lost his voice or else, she would need them as long as she lived. Knowing my father, brother and me well enough, I hate to admit, my mother will need it forever. 

Have you ever noticed how reliant we are on our mothers for everything? I again stick to the Indian scenario, Asian at best for I have heard that children in the Western countries are made self reliant at an early age! Working mothers have a bit more independent children who can find their own socks and underwear but largely children believe it’s their birthright to demand from their mother and are horrified if and when they fall short. Teenagers even point it out in impolite terms.

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A common practice in India (I tried my best not to indulge in it) is to teach young ones how to play the blame game. When kids fall down and get hurt against something, indulgent parents and grandparents rush to the scene, lift the wailing child and immediately show their anger to the floor that hurt the kid or the wall or bed against which the child got hurt. The message we send to the child in order to pacify him/her possibly in an attempt to keep their confidence intact, is that it wasn’t their fault but the bad wall/bed/floor’s fault. So it wasn’t because the kid was clumsy or careless but because inanimate objects came in their way!! Miraculously, the kid gets pacified in an instant. This has been carrying on for generations. After all, the faster the child is in good humour, the quicker we adults can get back to our work. In time, this behavior is ingrained in the child.

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When this child grows up, he/she blames everything and everyone but himself/herself. Now, the problem arises when two people have a clash. Both have been taught the blame game so now it is a matter of who can dominate. The one that loses his/her battle goes back home and takes it out on his/her one and only punching bag, Mom. Who but she will comfort us, blaming that dominating fool who won and taking the rest of the blame for not having made her own kid obnoxious enough to fight back and win. She will kiss the wounds and cajole with her soft voice and many treats.

Now for the solution to the mystery! Why do our Dads use our punching bag as theirs? From Khaled Hosseini’s book “A Thousand Splendid Suns” I quote “Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.” Ideally, it was meant to be Mom but after marriage by the act of transference, this role is given to the wife. How convenient!

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One day this Mom will grow old and tired. She will wonder where she went wrong, when in a heated argument her own child will say something nasty, blaming her for their own shortfall. The nasty child who is now an adult with kids of his/her own will be at the receiving end of his/her kids tantrums but would still not see the light and take control but pass on the blame to Mom. Mom on her part will cry silent tears and brave the onslaught praying that somehow God will make things happen right for her own flesh and blood.

When Mom passes away, most people come to their senses which they have purposely numbed and realize how brutal they have been to the epitome of kindness. No amount of tears or regret will bring her back and what is left will be guilt, tremendous guilt (we are champions in guilt trips, as it is, like I mentioned in one of my previous blogs) for having let her go with the feeling that she was not good enough. This guilt ought to stay, I believe, for we do/did have a chance to change it.

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Today, I would like to clear the air in front of the whole world my dear mother and take the responsibility for everything that I have ever blamed you for. I (and I know so do my brother and Dad) appreciate every single thing that you have done for us in the past, do so today and will continue to do so for us (cannot help taking you for granted) and that no one can ever take your place in our lives. However, I would like to add that old habits die hard and we still might be difficult (how shameless are we!!) but now you have this in writing to comfort yourself and show it to our faces! I am also sure that you no longer need a Birthday gift!!!!!

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