Guilty of Being Guilty

Credits: quotemaster.org

The world of Guilt is a bad place to be. We have a conscience. Our ideas of morality stem up from it! Our world, our society is made possible because of it. All the law and order is based on it. We are encouraged as tiny tots to differentiate right from wrong with such emphasis, that slowly and steadily our ideals are more important to us than ourselves or our well being.

Credits: pinterest.com

The more simple, straightforward and orthodox our parents are the more guilt we imbibe in our being. Scope of error is minimal. So, do we become perfect? No, we are humans after all. If we venture out, we will err and it is then that this guilt begins to raise its ugly head. As kids, we make plenty of mistakes for we are just about learning (that we continue to learn till the end of our lives is forgotten) and therefore, we are forgiven but not without a moral lecture. As we start growing, the words in the moral lecture are heavier, the examples scarier, the emotions stronger and worst of all, these are repetitive.

Credits: pinterest.com

I come from such a family. A well educated family not superstitious or orthodox on the surface of it but simple and straightforward to a fault, with extremely rigid set of rules for right and wrong. We are not expected to falter on moral issues, preferably on no issues. When we are forgiven, the echo lingers! By the time we are adults, we don’t need to be chided by anyone else, we do it to ourselves-not once, but over and over again. Isn’t that how we make people responsible? And God forbid, if someone else points out a flaw or worse, scolds us or lectures us on it, we would be in remorse for a long long time- probably till the next episode of something bigger.

God knows ours is not the only family. Indians from time immemorial have bound themselves in difficult situations by propriety. One of our most revered epics, the “Mahabharata” is replete with such examples. It even talks of the downside of being a slave to propriety but when have we ever learnt from history? I am sure it is true for all communities all over the world. Mostly, morality is taught under the garb of religion. Every text teaches fear through discourses in morality. While I do agree that it is necessary to teach morals and values to run a society which in itself is exclusive to human beings alone, I believe we are taking things a bit too far. If done in the name of religion to extremes, we create fanatics, if done at home, we create depression.

Credits: youtube.com

At forty four, I guess I am middle aged but nothing has changed. All the latest “Gyaan” (knowledge) that is circulated in social media tell us to be kind to ourselves. Present day Gurus have brought out the same to light which we realize was told ages ago but possibly misinterpreted all these hundreds of years! I try to put this new found knowledge to practice.

Credits: facebook.com

I will be kind to myself. I will let go. I will give up control and go with the flow. Leave the guilt for good. I think to myself I am doing well perhaps, when I start eating without guilt after decades (not that it is helping the weight situation but at least the head is sorted). I stop working myself into a frenzy. I stop getting obsessed with the ticks in my diary. Just when I begin to get comfortable, I start to hear “Oh! You haven’t done this today? Are you okay?” from the husband, shocked looks from the kids, displeasure in the quiet tense moment while speaking to my parents and then I snap at them all for I know it won’t be long before the guilt strikes again. It always does!

Credits: facebook.com

Sure enough, this morning has been the fourth time in a little over week that I have overslept, resulting in my children missing the school bus. For me that is blasphemy. 15 August 2009 was the last time I had overslept or rather I didn’t sleep at all, which resulted in me being groggy and I made this decision of not sending them to school, as the kids were really small and while they would miss the Independence Day celebrations, they wouldn’t miss classes. I did feel bad but what I had gained the night before was invaluable to me.

I had got in touch with a dear dear friend, who was my senior when we were training to be officers in the IAF. We lost touch shortly after my marriage and though I had tried to locate her, I wasn’t successful till ‘facebook’ happened. The afternoon of 14 August I found her and we exchanged numbers. I got my kids to bed and readied everything else before our conversation at 2100h. My husband was out of station at that time. The conversation that began dot on the stipulated time carried on till six in the morning. After all, it had been eleven years!! For that, I didn’t need forgiveness.

Today was different as were the last three misses in the week gone by. I have been unable to sleep due to my husband’s love for football. To begin with I do have a sleep problem. The insomnia had sorted itself out sometime ago but when it starts it is a vicious cycle. If I don’t sleep at night, I am groggy by 1530h the following day and if I sleep then, the following nights’ sleep will be out of the window. This carries on for a lot many days and I end up with dark circles around my eyes!

Credits: facebook.com

We got back from our holiday and plunged ourselves into our tasks on return. Ideally, we should crash by ten. “World Cup doesn’t happen every day”, I get to hear! Great! So he watches, while I lie awake waiting for him to come back so that my sleep isn’t interrupted. He comes late and sleeps as soon as he touches the pillow; actually, I think he sleep walks into the bedroom!! I now know he is beside me and so I should fall asleep. If only life was as simple as that! If I don’t get to sleep an uninterrupted sleep by 2200h-2230h, I don’t sleep at all- not till 0200h at least. No surprises then if I don’t wake up at 0500h.

Credits: pinterest.com

After the first day of not waking up and the kids missing their bus by 5minutes, my son decides he has to take things in his own hands. He always does an admirable job and wakes me after his ablutions at 0530h. However, this time due to back log at work, he has been exceedingly busy with his books and his only diversion is his high intensity workout. Needless to say, when he fails to wake me in time, the whole family sleeps. Not a very happy picture for a family! The last time I was so anxious, that I didn’t sleep one afternoon and walked about when sleep was trying to take over but sleep eluded me that night as well and so, in an attempt to not miss the bus, I didn’t sleep a wink that night.

Credits: brainyquotes.org

Last night, I got my son to sleep with me and my husband to sleep in his room, as the television is there. An effort to finish the problem once and for all! I forgot that I had slept in the afternoon. The same story repeated itself. My son didn’t turn his alarm on as he was with me and though my alarm was on-my reflexes are unusually good in the morning and I switched off the alarm on its first ring.

Well, the whole lot is off to their respective places of work while I sit writing this blog hoping that I get some respite from guilt after having announced it to the world out there. Fat chance!!

To begin a day imperfectly for a single pole mindset (you’ll know if you have read one of my previous blogs on the same) is not a great thing. No meditation, no walk, no yoga! Some redemption, that the two grids of Sudoku and the crossword were completed in record time. No spring in my step though and the heaviness of guilt weighs me down. Guilt is not a good place to be!