The Suspicious Spouse

Little did I realize, as I walked groggily to the front door this morning, that I was going to be shaken up from my stupor with something so unpleasant that would play on my mind all day- all through the million chores that awaited me and an ailing daughter! I let the maid in, who normally has a pleasant expression on her face. Short and round with a face to match, well rounded high and pink cheekbones and a face that is ready to break into a smile; she naturally brings out a smile in me as well. Only, today, she didn’t smile. Was it because I was still half asleep after my chaotic night? 

Fifteen minutes later, after I had brightened up some more, I handed her a cup of tea and biscuits and began explaining to her what was expected of her that morning. As I finished, she asked me if I remembered her getting a call last evening from her daughter. I nodded with a vague “hmmm” wondering why she expected me to remember. “It was my daughter wailing at her plight, Amma.” “I don’t know what I have done to deserve such fate”, she said. I didn’t say anything giving her time to decide whether she wanted to carry on with the conversation or let it pass. It didn’t take her long to continue.

 Apparently, her eldest daughter and the youngest one married for love while her second daughter was made to discontinue her studies and marry a man much older to her as her father wanted to see her married off while he was alive, he being in poor health. She did as per their wishes and got pregnant within the same year after which both her father and husband died. A smart young girl of twenty two was now a widow with a seven year old son. She works as a sales girl in a supermarket and earns ten grand. Mother, daughter and grandson live together. The younger daughter lives far away with her husband and has no kids as yet.

The eldest one, the most sensible and efficient apart from being the best looking, has two children, four and two years of age respectively. “Her husband who seemed okay in the initial years has now taken to drinking and his suspicious nature is ruining my daughter’s life”. He worked for a few days a week and used that money increasingly on his liquor. His minimal contributions towards home forced her to take up a job. She, having a pleasant personality and having basic knowledge of computers and prior work experience got a job in sales again, in an upmarket store. However, her husband suspects her and keeps a tab on every move. He was always this way but recently he was getting violent. They had lodged a complaint against him once when he beat her up badly once before. “Yesterday, he had gone to her place of work and started hitting her there and dragged her back home, hitting her all the way saying that she was having an affair elsewhere.”

Credits: wisegeek.com

The mother was in tears and I was standing with a cold cup of tea untouched. I tried to comfort her and slowly asked her why her daughter was sticking with the man if he was so useless, to which she said, he will not leave the children.

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This is definitely not the first case of a suspicious spouse. They exist in the forms of a psycho husband or a detective wife. Let’s not brush it off as something that can be seen in the lower class-far from the truth! Why does it happen?

A marriage, arranged or love, immaterial, unfolds itself slowly and slowly breaks our pre-conceived notion of the relationship. Whether it blossoms into the most beautiful friendship for life or whether it will end up being an ego battle for every issue or whether it will see spouses setting up detectives to check on one another, lies in the hands of the couple alone. No family, no counselor, no friend and not even one’s own child, can change the equation between a husband and wife. Yes, couples tend to prolong the pain for the child’s sake, harming the child in the bargain.

I believe there are three essentials in a marriage- Love, mutual respect and trust. While the emphasis is always on love, I believe love is futile without the other two. 

Credits: brainyquote.com

  

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It is generally believed that a little bit of possessiveness and a bit of jealousy are indications of your love for your mate. I disagree. It indicates your insecurity; your need to be loved and cared for isn’t being met and that is what it is all about! The feeling that your loved one is looking at you or loving you lesser than he/she ought to and that his/her attention is being showered upon another person/object is what causes the traits of possessiveness and jealousy. That isn’t love for the spouse but for your own self. So when the husband or wife makes a statement out of jealousy, the spouse often feels very wanted in the bargain and gets a huge ego boost which results in mush in the initial years. Later on, this very behavior, if not within limits, leads to irritation and often in failed marriages. 

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Suspicion has its origins in low self esteem. Often, the suspicious spouse gets violent and acts arrogant (mostly male behavior) and even then I believe this basic trait arises out of poor sense of self. It would be surprising to note, that their poor sense of self has nothing to do with the success they actually achieve. Some very successful people show traits such as these because it isn’t how the world sees you that matters, it is how you see yourself.

                  

Credits: liveabout.com

Extra marital affairs happen. If you catch your spouse red handed, and then remain suspicious of him/her in the future, it is a different story or if you catch him/her lying or hiding something and if your suspicion is aroused, it is acceptable but if you have this constant need to know where your spouse is, what he/she is doing, whom he/she is talking to, why he/she smiled at someone on the way, check out mails, whatsapp messages etc, you do need help! There is no shame in admitting it either. If you get your basic self in order, your relationships will bloom and your life will resonate with laughter.

“It’s better to suffer wrong than do it; and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust” – Samuel Johnson

                                                                    

And yet, my favourite quote

"When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead." Judith Viorst